It turns out I'm so good at pretending I fool even myself. I don't realize how I'm really doing until someone takes me by surprise. For the most part I feel like I've been handling this year pretty well. But tonight after our study Fe walked up to me and casually asked, "How's your brother?" I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. I stuttered, "My brother?" because I thought surely he knew. But he persisted, "Yeah. Chris told me something happened..." I took a deep breath and said the sentence in Chinese. I had to learn it in Chinese because it is less real to me. I'm not capable of saying those words in English. But if I say them in Chinese they don't really exist, not in my mind. They're some abstract idea that has no place in reality.
Apparently I handle things well because I prepare for them mentally. But when someone unexpectedly reminds me I fall apart. I spent the rest of the night sobbing uncontrollably. So much for being strong.
2 comments:
love you
yeah... my new friend Doug asked me when we were fishing. It was so casual, this conversation, getting to know each other. Then, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
I repeated the question as if I didn't understand it. Putting off the answer. I still haven't figured out how to delicately answer. I waited for a minute before I said anything, but I'm sure the pain in my eyes made him regret the question.
Eventually, though, you have to say it out loud. And it feels as though it's becoming more real each time you do.
Post a Comment