the truth

It turns out I'm so good at pretending I fool even myself.  I don't realize how I'm really doing until someone takes me by surprise.  For the most part I feel like I've been handling this year pretty well.  But tonight after our study Fe walked up to me and casually asked, "How's your brother?"  I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach.  I stuttered, "My brother?" because I thought surely he knew.  But he persisted, "Yeah.  Chris told me something happened..."  I took a deep breath and said the sentence in Chinese.  I had to learn it in Chinese because it is less real to me.  I'm not capable of saying those words in English.  But if I say them in Chinese they don't really exist, not in my mind.  They're some abstract idea that has no place in reality.

Apparently I handle things well because I prepare for them mentally.  But when someone unexpectedly reminds me I fall apart.  I spent the rest of the night sobbing uncontrollably.  So much for being strong.